Monday, October 8, 2012

A Day of Regaining Courage

I've been ridiculously depressed since the summer, and my upward stride into all things "good" for me, took a dive, but I'm still here. And it's taken some time to shake it off and pick myself up and stop relying wholly on others to do it all for me; that's one of my issues, I have a tendency to play  the victim when it comes to affairs in my life - or with my life in general.

But I've felt better about myself recently.

With a loving boyfriend, college on my schedule, and a novel to write to keep me busy and focused, I've a full plate. And that's not counting my weekend job which I've been getting more hours for.

Today I mastered myself. I forced myself out of bed so I could get to class (you don't know how hard that's been for me lately) early. You know what it is? I find myself laying there although I'm awake and all I do is think. Think about the day and what could happen. When it makes no sense. I could be up in that time, getting ready for my day, ready to head to my classes. So why do I linger in bed?

I guess it's a comfort thing.

But it's an empty one.

No comfort comes (as I know) from making myself late for my affairs. Instead of wanting to face the day, I'd try to stall it for as long as possible.

And that just made "time" my enemy. I'd have no "time" for anything.

When I get up for the day, however, I'm present, able, focused, doing something other than endless thinking, and guess what? Time becomes an ally, or non-existent. I move on my time and just find myself where I need to be when I need to be there.

It is all in perspective.

So that's why with my 21st birthday party coming up that I have to plan, I find myself retreating into this hole of "oh boy big commitment I'm scared. What if it doesn't happen?" But I'm making myself push past it because with one post on my Facebook about it, the response to the mere idea of it was overwhelming. People want this. I want this. My family supports it. It makes no sense to hide and run and wish I didn't have to face it.

But yet that feeling is there.

End of the day I know what I'm capable of and what I can accomplish, it's all a matter of pushing that voice that says "no," to the back of my mind so that I can listen to the real Me, that's saying "go for it. You've already done so much."